again and again.

Sometimes I think my life is a carousel. Every so often I reach a point where I feel as though I'm completely useless and don't know what my purpose is. Usually I'm snapped from this dilusion and placed back into reality, and just as fast as the thought came it left. I've noticed that these thoughts have been occurring more and more often. I have no idea what I want to do with anything anymore. I swore that college was going to be my nitch, and that I'd knock out these 4 years with no problems and land a pretty nice job. Not the case at all. Here I am, almost fininshed my 1st year of college and I still don't have a clue. Part of me just wants to be whisked away into a state of purgatory where I don't have to worry about anything at all. No financial mishaps, no expectations to meet, no waking up in the middle of the night to stabbing pains of disappointment and failure. Just me, and maybe a select few others. I just don't want this anymore, which poses a HUGE problem because I don't have the faintest idea as to what this is. Sometimes I sit and wonder what life would be like without me. There have been countless times when I've just sat and pondered whether my actions are influential to anybody or anything, in any way, shape, or form. In essence, a fairly large part of me wants to challenge the Butterfly Effect. For once in my life I think I'm at a loss for thoughts. The way my brain works allows me to relay emotion, ideas, and any other concepts through a series of words, but for some reason it's not happening right now. I'm really digging deep in my mind to find something to say that has at least an ounce of meaning to it, but it's just not flowing. I guess it's not my time, but then again, it never really is...