why would i play you? bitch i made you.

you know what conclusion i've recently come to? sometimes the people that are supposed to be there for you the most aren't ever there, and never will be. i know that this is all comin from left field, but bare with me for a minute. say for example i call you my brother. now, its not a real blood relationship, but blood wouldn't make us any closer. throughout this whole friendship, i was always there when you needed somethin, regardless as to if i had it to give or not. now that goes for everything, money, support, a lil advice here or there, a job. you know, just the necessities for an adolescent to support a lifestyle that they couldn't afford to live. like on some real shit when i first met this person, they was the weirdest nigga i had ever known. im talkin bout a straight up loser who had to be in before the streetlights came on. over the years i helped out wit ya shit, even when nobody on the block respected you. i built the whole fuckin swag you got now, and your head is so fuckin clouded with stupidity that you dont even realize it. now if this were any average person, they would get fed up with the lack of grattitude they were receiving, especially considering the fact that they weren't there for you, not even for the little things (like proms and whatnot). what if, on YOUR GIRL'S birthday, i spent more money then i did for my own damn girl. or maybe even the time when i was more than willing to ride for YOUR family that i didnt even know, even though you wouldn't ride for mine, or yours for that matter. i just think its crazy that the people that you look out for always find a way to screw you over in the long run. that can mean a lot of things, such as actin brand fuckin new cause a nigga's tryin to further his education, or leavin the same person hung out to fuckin dry at a bus stop on the opposite side of the city in the fuckin cold. if shit was bad in your world, i tried to help out. i never got that in return. nigga, you fucked around wit the girl that you knew i had the most fuckin feelings for besides my mom and sister, and 1st you lied about it, then you acted like you didnt give a fuck. that just goes to show how corrupted niggas minds is nowadays. and i dont want it to seem like im soundin like a female, or bitchin on some dumb Myspace shit, cause truthfully i would have a lot more to say in person. and hey, maybe im not even talkin about anybody in particular, but im sure that this person would know if i was...

discombobulation.

is, obviously, the state in which one is discombobulated. This, in essence, is just an extremely intricate way to say utter confusion. Utter confusion is definitely the phrase i would use to describe my life at this point in time. I don't know why its like that, but frankly i don't care as long as i'm healthy. The past month or so have just been really draining. I'm really heavily burdened with school, family, and some other things. I think i just need to sit back and re evaluate my concept of life, which is gonna be relatively hard, especially considering the fact that i don't know what life is...

...usually following that phrase there's some kind of cheesy saying that is supposed to prepare you for a special moment in your life. either that or give some sort of enlightenment on how to approach a certain problem. i wanna know where the hell the person is that made up the answer to these scenarios, cause i have a few questions that i need answered. the main question is whether or not it would be sensible to continue with my past, or start off fresh. there is no clear cut way to interpret that question, so dont let it bog in your mind, and dont ask me what it means. i've also realized that people's assumptions have both positive and negative effects on others' lives. me saying that proves to be a tad bit contradictory, seeing as though im a firm believer in the "only God can judge me" concept, but i feel as though its the truth. sometimes people never know what, or who for that matter, is best for them until its too late.

situations.

sometimes people don't see eye to eye on things, and apparently, as a result of this, certain "situations" arise, and one party which was avidly involved somehow suffers from a loss of words. i don't ever have these moments. my silence doesn't come from not knowing what to say, it comes from knowing when not to say certain things. i usually never bite me tounge, and when i do, its because i have the best interest for the bigger picture at heart. im sorry that i can't always be the upbeat and goofy person that i usually am. my apologies for just wanting to relax for a change. i mean, i try, i really do. i'll admit that sometimes it isn't my hardest, but there's always some kind of effort. sorry that you haven't noticed that i'm so fuckin stressed right now that my social life has been pretty much non-existent for weeks, or maybe even the fact that i've lost about 15 pounds in the past month or so, which isn't the healthiest thing in the world. idk, i really don't. maybe its me. maybe i need to be pushin it to the limit all day, every day. maybe not...

blame it on the goose.

Intro: The original title for this blog was ?! but I changed it because of the fact that I'm being extremely nonchalant right now. Even better though, nothing specifically prompted me to write this blog. I just sat down at my computer and it was conveniently on Myspace, so I decided to start typing.

Verse 1: Lately people have been overly annoying. I have no idea what it is. Maybe I've taken more notice to their blatant ignorance, or maybe I've just been extremely irritable. Some people think that they can do and/or say as they feel and there not be any kinds of penalty for their actions/words. I try to ignore the more tedious things, but as the intensity progresses, I feel more and more agitated. Hopefully this is just a phase, because I hate being mad at everybody for absolutely no reason, and this tends to happen.

Chorus: What if I just stopped caring about everything. I wonder if people would stop caring about me. Probably, but you never know until you try it. I'm sure the experience wouldn't be too detrimental.

Verse 2: I recently came to the conclusion that I hate school to the absolute fullest. Not any schools in particular. I hate school in general. The whole concept is bewildering to me, especially on a post-high school level. I do agree that people should further their knowledge until they reach an intellectual plateau with their significant other, but as far as being qualified for a job, i think its quite over rated. Obviously, for some professions, adequate education is necessary. This applies to jobs like doctors, lawyers, and most technicians. For just about everything else though, having 8 years of knowledge other than high school is just a luxury. I hate the system that we live in because, essentially, its based off of a flimsy piece of paper. Some of the hardest workers are rejected by society due to their lack of "feasible" knowledge.

Hook: I don't need no hook for this shit. (Only because I sit and stared at my laptop for 9 minutes and couldn't think of anything viable to say.)

Verse 3: Situations will arise in our lives, but you gotta be smart about it. Yea, I just quoted Usher, but it has some sort of relevance in what I'm thinking. I think the way that things happen are funny, and in some cases, immensely coincidental. For example, a former co-worker of mine was fired from our job. The only reason that she worked there in the first place was because there were no open nursing positions in the hospital that she works at (so she says). But regardless, her being fired was motivation for her to accept any nursing position presented to her. Now I know the validity of this scenario is quite questionable, so I'm asking you to look at the big picture. Over the past couple years I've become a more firm believer in the "When one door closes, another one opens" proverb. It makes more sense to me now. All you really need is some motivation and a tad bit of determination. This makes me think weird things though, like: If I drop out of college maybe I'll luck up and when the Powerball Jackpot, making me the youngest (and laziest) multi-billionaire on the planet. I know everybody reading this just mentally labeled me as a fool, but there's always a possibility. Not a probability, but a possibility.

Outro: I just did a lot of talking, but didn't actually say anything. As I was proofreading I realized that I just rambled on and on and wasn't set getting any specific point across. Although it took you about 4 minutes out of your life to read it, it took me about 20 minutes to type it.

wow.

wow.

Today is not my day. I went the whole day without talking to one of the most meaningful people in my life, I selfishly put a drastic end to a relationship, and I realized that 2 days ago marked the 4 year anniversary for Kelby's death. I woke up this morning and everything was relatively fine, but I know that I'm going to have the most difficult time falling asleep because of all the overwhelming emotions. It makes the most sense because the people that know me best know that I'm not very easily overwhelmed. Reflecting on each different occasion slowly, but surely broke down the virtually indestructible levees in my eyes, also known as tear ducts, in a Katrina-like fashion. For some reason unbeknown to me, everything seems to be stacked against me at once. Its either I'm happy and competent with my life and the way things are going, or I'm really somber and flirting with depression. It's not one set thing or person that causes this, but that's just the way things have been working out so far. I said this to Abi earlier: "Im at a fork in the road, and I just wanna go straight." Too bad I know that there is no way to go straight and that I just have to keep on driving myself to happiness. I just had a quick mental debate on whether or not to use success or happiness in the sentence prior to this one. i chose happiness because along with happiness comes success. I swear if I didn't have a knack for writing then my head would explode sometimes. I think that I'm done for the night, I'm gonna try and get some sleep. If I can't, then it's back to bloggin.

La Vida.

Life. A simple word with a complex meaning. Life can be found in many different places and things. Along with life also comes legacy. There is a legacy left behind by every person and/or thing who has ever lived a life. Some legacies are by far more eventful, meaningful, and substantial than others', but no matter whose legacy it is, not one is more important than another. Some people say that a mind is a terrible thing to waste, but i beg to differ. My approach comes along the lines of a life being a terrible thing to lose. I lost my great-grandmother on February 22nd. She was the oldest person in my family, on both sides. At 10:50 pm on February 25th, I received a call from my sister asking me if I spoke to one of my aunts, as I let her question marinate in my mind, I slowly came to terms with the fact that someone very dear to me was gone. Forever. And all that I had left in remembrance was their legacy. The person was still a cloud to me. At first, I thought it was my father. I then realized that it couldn't have been him because The Call would have came from my mother. After my sister told me that my great grandmother passed away 3 days ago, and we were just being told, my initial feeling of being upset came from not being told in a reasonable time. Family is family, regardless of our differences. 4 seconds later my aunt called. Me and my aunt resemble each other in many ways, the most prominent being our goofiness, but more importantly our ability to come off nonchalant during times in which most would panic. Her calmness essentially calmed me down. The fact that I had lost such an important piece of my life long puzzle didn't have its full affect until about 5 minutes later when I decided to call my father. This would be the 1st time since mid December that we had spoken, and it would be due to the fact that his grandmother died. This woman was more than a grandmother to him. She was his light. Whenever there was a moment of uncertainty she was always there for him, pushing him until the cloud of obscurity was completely diminished. I remember when I was in 5th grade and my dad moved back to Detroit so that he could take care of her after her husband died. At first, I was disappointed, but then I realized later on that he did it as a form of repayment. Most successful adults wouldn't want to live with their ailing grandmother, but he was different. As my father answered the phone with a simple "Hello", the average person wouldn't be able to gather much, but not me. I immediately knew there was something wrong. He asked who it was, which really hurt me. It hurt because, even though we haven't been talking much as of late, I got the vibe that he forgot my voice, which should never be a factor in our relationship. That's when it hit me. I felt it like a 400lb NFL lineman completely trampling on my stomach. Like a freight train slowly ripping through my insides like a saw through a tree limb. A feeling of utter helplessness. It was depressing. Then came the tears. They were brief, but made an impression while they lasted. My eyes burn as if they were an inch deep cut being thoroughly sanitized with rubbing alcohol. I can't believe it. I was just talking about her earlier, and to receive a phone call saying that life had escaped her body was one of the last things that I would have fathomed to happen today. I guess writing really is my release, because with each keystroke, I'm realizing that I don't have to ever worry about having another conversation about how she isn't happy with her nurses, or about the different operations and procedures that haven't been working. I now know that she is no longer suffering. All the pain is gone. I know that, even though her life is over on earth, its going to be remembered by her amazing legacy, and that she will forever live on in Heaven. Rest In Peace Grandmom.

again and again.

Sometimes I think my life is a carousel. Every so often I reach a point where I feel as though I'm completely useless and don't know what my purpose is. Usually I'm snapped from this dilusion and placed back into reality, and just as fast as the thought came it left. I've noticed that these thoughts have been occurring more and more often. I have no idea what I want to do with anything anymore. I swore that college was going to be my nitch, and that I'd knock out these 4 years with no problems and land a pretty nice job. Not the case at all. Here I am, almost fininshed my 1st year of college and I still don't have a clue. Part of me just wants to be whisked away into a state of purgatory where I don't have to worry about anything at all. No financial mishaps, no expectations to meet, no waking up in the middle of the night to stabbing pains of disappointment and failure. Just me, and maybe a select few others. I just don't want this anymore, which poses a HUGE problem because I don't have the faintest idea as to what this is. Sometimes I sit and wonder what life would be like without me. There have been countless times when I've just sat and pondered whether my actions are influential to anybody or anything, in any way, shape, or form. In essence, a fairly large part of me wants to challenge the Butterfly Effect. For once in my life I think I'm at a loss for thoughts. The way my brain works allows me to relay emotion, ideas, and any other concepts through a series of words, but for some reason it's not happening right now. I'm really digging deep in my mind to find something to say that has at least an ounce of meaning to it, but it's just not flowing. I guess it's not my time, but then again, it never really is...